Thursday, June 19, 2014

Giving Up

Shortly after my last blog post, I quit smoking. Tobacco that is, not weed. I used to chain-smoke when I was writing. It helped me focus. Now, I have a hard time concentrating on anything; eighteen unfinished drafts and counting. Sorry about that. It's been exactly 11 weeks since my last cigarette. I miss it. I really, really do. There just isn't anything that can replace cigarettes for me. Not pot; not alcohol; not food, although I have gained about 20 lbs. E-cigs aren't legal to sell in Canada or I'd try those. I'm one of those highly sensitive people and smoking made it bearable to be this way. Now I feel like my skin has been removed. I'm in nearly constant psycho-emotional pain. It hasn't gotten any easier to cope with because it's not due to withdrawal. It's a temperamental condition that I was using tobacco to manage.

Chris has always said I should only quit because I want to, and I do, but only indirectly. I want to quit because I'm worn down by the pressure from the anti-smoking Nazis. I'm tired of being discriminated against and treated like a social pariah, tired of being forced outside in the cold and rain, tired of being charged overtly punitive prices. There's more than enough in-your-face oppression in my life, without all that as well. All the non-smokers around me act like I should be happy to be free, but I feel as though a close friend has died. I'm not happy to be free. I was bullied into this and I refuse to pretend I wasn't.

It gives little consolation to know that many of the self-righteous fucks who cheered on, and participated in, this punish-them-'til-they-quit exercise are going to suffer the consequences of the precedent they set. Because the social engineering control freaks won't stop with smokers; they've already set their sights on fat people. And they'll say, "It's for your own good", as they scurry about, deliberately making your life as difficult as possible. First they came for the smokers...


  1. I can feel your pain! I used to smoke a lot when I was younger. I think I was in my 30's the first time I quit. Since then I have smoked on and off until about 5 years ago when I gave up cigarettes for good. I also gave up pot smoking when the price became too steep. Funny, but I don't seem to miss either one too much even though there are times when I get an urge to smoke something! I suppose that I am just fortunate that I can quit a habit pretty easy. But smoking is probably the hardest thing for one to give up. I agree with Chris that you should only stop when you really want to! As long as you feel forced into it I don't think you wil ever be free of the habit. You may stay a non smoker but if those feelings are still with you then I'd say you are still addicted. But that's just my take on it. Hey and if you do go back to smoking just remember that I'll still love ya! Good luck with everything! "HUGS"

    1. Hi Ron
      Thanks for the support. Sometimes (more and more it seems) there are no good choices. I think I may have greatly underestimated the cost of quitting. I've given up smoking before and it was nowhere near this stressful. I don't know what is different this time; I wish I did.

  2. Hi,
    It has been a long time since I have commented. I think you are my favorite person to read fyi.

    I quit smoking a about three and a half years ago. At the time it was something that I wanted to do before the birth of our first child. I came to a point where I wanted to quit but honestly did not think that I could. One night, as I was drifting away into sleep, I was thinking about smoking, the impending birth of our child, and my inability to quit, when something happened....A thought ran through my head. The thought was, why do I feel like I need to smoke when I feel like I need to smoke. The thought triggered a flash analysis of the total bundle of thoughts, emotions, and physical urges that lead up to me grabbing a cig and lighting up....something that I had done thousands of times on auto pilot. As soon as this though and the flash analysis occurred, I was catapulted into some type of angelic spiritual bullshit. I was overcome by the most warm loving feeling for about ten minutes, and from that point on my feelings changed from I do not think I can quit to I think I can do this. I juice fasted for 13 days in order to kick the habit. I had trouble quitting after five days of drinking only juice, and was only able to kick the habit after three days of nothing but water followed by another five days of only juice. I guess I starved the habit of "its" energy.

    Point being, there was something about that thought....why do I feel like I need to smoke when I feel like I need to smoke....that triggered something amazing. I think it was because it was a pure thought followed by the most honest and pure analysis. When I really looked at why I felt like I needed to smoke, I came up with nothing real. It was something that I created....the "need" to smoke. Just like the "need" to cram junk food down my throat. Donuts, salty potato chips, fast food....none of them are needed. We would all be better off without them. Our bodies feel better without them yet our minds are able to create stories that tell us that we need them over and over again. I can convince myself that I need a cheeseburger and fries from a fast food joint...hell...why not get a milkshake too...and I always physically feel like shit afterwards and I will tell myself, with differing degrees of success, that I need to remember how shitty that meal made me feel physically, and thus mentally, so that I don't over do it again. When I juice fasted for a second time for 30 days, my body felt great, although my energy was low at times, and my mind was very clear.

    When you refer to the social engineering control freaks that are targeting smoking, obesity, etc... I think their intention is coming from a good place. The problem for me is that the world that we live in is so insane at times, that it is hard for those who can see through the veil to cope. We cope in different ways...eating, smoking, drugs, money, sex, etc....and when that does not work, we reload and try the same shit over again...which inevitably does not work the second or the 50th time.

    Cut to three years later, and I started to smoke again after the passing of my father. He died from esophageal cancer that spread to other parts of his body. Smoking, drinking and eating garbage are all risk factors for this type of cancer. He was gone in 6 month. Over the course of 6 month I watch his body go from 280 pounds to 150 pounds. He died in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania on a Friday...I was back at work in Richmond Virginia the following Tuesday. Life is supposed to move on right?

  3. cont'd

    Before I left work to come home to watch my father die, my "boss" was very concerned about when I would be back to work. He implied that I should be back by Monday. So in his mind I was to leave work on Thursday, get to Pittsburgh early Thrusday morning, watch dad die Friday...wrap up funeral/grieving over the weekend, back to work Monday because our other supervisor was booked off the week starting that Monday and there would be no one to cover...I guess I was supposed to get it all in over the course of a three day weekend....and that my friend, is fucking insane. So through the process of watching my dad die, I have this thought floating around my head that is pressuring my to get back to work asap. I guess that makes me insane? My "boss" should have said...take as much time as you need, we've got it covered.

    The push in general, is to focus on the fake....the economy, profits, etc....and brush over the real....your family, your friends, health. We are expected to be able to efficiently manage our lives so that they do not interfere with the churning of the system and if we cannot do this we are consider by some to be weak. The societal support to actually live up to the standard that is spouted by the social engineers is critically lacking.

    I suppose that I started to smoke again because in a moment of extreme vulnerability, I said fuck one really gives a shit anyway...but that is my lie...because the people who really care about me do give a shit, and smoking does not really make me feel good. It is just an excuse for me to "take a break" from reality. It does not really help.

    I agree, alcohol does not help, food does not help, but I don't think cigs help either... pot on the other hand, might allow you to access the inner workings of the addiction without judgement if you choose to focus on it while partaking.

    Sorry for the ramblings...I hope you get something out of this. That there might be something going on that is not easily seen or accessed that is here to help but can only be accessed in pure and honest states. That the thought...why do I fell like I need to blank when I feel like I need to blank can be extremely powerful when asked in a genuinely open on honest state....that we are able to create stories in our minds that guide us for better or worse...and that we are able to create new stories if the old ones are outdated or obsolete.

    A new thought that has started to run through my head lately....We are our thoughts, but our thoughts can change. It is a bit of a paradox, but it makes perfect sense.

    If you want to smoke...smoke, but there are consequences to the habit. Being a prisoner to the habit. Always keeping tabs on the number of cigs you have so you don't run out. Thinking about the next time you can smoke in any given situation. Annoying others because you smell and make them smell like smoke. Having bad breath when you make love for anything over 10 minutes. Potentially destroying your body...etc, etc, etc

    FYI - I probably smoked 5 cigs as I wrote this. I suppose cigs do help one to maintain a train of thought without interruption. They kinda smooth over the lulls. Otherwise, I may have gotten bored with the train and moved on.

    I hope it gets easier.

    All Over the Place

    1. Hi D-unit.
      Thanks very much for sharing your experience and insights.I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father and the way you were treated by your boss. What an asshole!
      I broke down and bought some cigs yesterday. When I quit this time I felt like I could do it. I used the nicotine patches and copious quantities of Spitz. I felt okay on the high dose (7 weeks) and got over the habitual part of it. The first step-down (2 weeks) caused some edginess, but that subsided after a couple of days. Same with the lowest dose (2 weeks), The second day entirely off nicotine was brutal (woke up crying, depressed and irritable all day) and the second was even worse. I never expected to feel so raw and angry and depressed. I hated having to give in after going through all that but I just couldn't stand it. I have to assume that the nicotine was masking something else. Probably PTSD, possibly compounded by menopause. In any case, right now, I think cigs are the lesser evil for me. I will try your suggestion of honest questioning though and see what it turns up.
      When considering the source, I have an awfully hard time believing that the anti-smoking agenda is really about protecting my health or anybody else's. (Same reason I can't believe forces pushing AGW alarmism care about the environment.) Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I strongly suspect there's another reason that fascists are so consistently anti-tobacco. If not, why ban E-cigs?
      Thanks again for your help and support,